


The Castaway

by TeaTimeAllOverTown



Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: Post-Season/Series 04, Post-Series, Romance, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:01:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28481313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaTimeAllOverTown/pseuds/TeaTimeAllOverTown
Summary: “I love you, Pace.”“I love you too, Jo.”“Pace, can you tell me a story?”“A story?”“Like we used to.”“Yeah, I think I can do that. Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who got onto a boat…”Those words are ringing in her ears when she finally slips into a dream.The story of Pacey and Joey in which them being endgame isn't a last minute decision but a slow burning story, present in every moment of their lives. Slightly AU post-season 4.
Relationships: Joey Potter/Pacey Witter
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	The Castaway

**Author's Note:**

> It's 2021(!) and I'm writing Dawson's Creek fanfiction. What? I don't even know if this fandom still has an audience or if anyone wants to read this, but I was filled with inspiration and the words found the paper so easily, I had to post it. Mostly so it found a home in the world and less for feedback or attention. 
> 
> I only recently discovered DC as a pandemic binge and fell madly in love with these two. I get all the hype now. But I felt like their finale, as beautiful as it was, wasn't well set up. The show essentially pretended they never dated for a season and a half, had a very uninspiring reunion mid season 6, and then suddenly Joey had loved him forever? 
> 
> So essentially, this is a mild rewrite of season 5 and 6 to give her final decision more context. It generally follows canon plots but Joey and Pacey actually morn their relationship and act like exes who haven't seen each other in however many months. It is way too long for a one-shot but I wrote it all and didn't want to break it up so oh well.
> 
> Hope whoever sees this does enjoy. I enjoyed writing it. Long live Pacey and Joey - who are not divorced, thank for very much KW.

Any pieces of Joey's shattered heart that had remained intact splinter into a million pieces when they call Pacey's name at graduation, once, twice, before moving on.

She thinks she knew somewhere deep down he wouldn't say goodbye. Or that his question last night was his goodbye. But there was an undeniable part of her that still believed they could work this out. That some miracle would keep him here. Keep him with her.

Instead she stares at the empty plastic chair from her spot on the stage and hopes he knows she's thinking of him. That she loves him. That she is proud of him.

Joey thought she knew heartbreak. She thought being rejected, with her shirt off no less, by Dawson Leery was the pinnacle of heartache. As it turns out, Dawson's rejection wasn't so much heartbreak as a combination of rejection, humiliation and grief over what could have been. 

Heartbreak over losing someone who you truly loved, who loved you back equally, is a different type of pain. A pain she didn’t know a person could survive. Her whole heart still belongs to Pacey but Pacey isn't there to claim it.

She leans on Dawson, probably more than she should. But she tells herself Dawson just went through a breakup as well, they need each other. It's nice, spending time with him like they did when they were kids. For so long she'd felt trapped in his bedroom, eternally fifteen, but this summer it's what she needs. It doesn't make her think about her looming, unscripted future and it doesn't make her think of Pacey. 

When Dawson announces he's leaving early for a summer program, she clings to him even harder. Even with their drama and their angst, Dawson has been a constant in her life filled with loss and change and letting that go scares her to her bones. She shouldn't have been surprised when he kissed her. She'd given him every reason to think that's what she wanted. Maybe it is what she wants.

She doesn't kiss back at first, her mind seemingly unable to comprehend the reality in front of her. Finally she does kiss back, tentatively. Maybe this is what she needs. Pacey is no longer the last person she kissed, she thinks to herself as Dawson's arms wrap around her waist. 

But then reality finally sinks in. Dawson's hands aren't as calloused as Pacey's. Dawson's hands don't wind into Joey's hair the way Pacey's did. Dawson's lips don't turn her body to liquid like Pacey's did.

"Dawson," she finally murmurs, breaking the kiss and taking a step back. "You're leaving tomorrow. We shouldn't."

"I wanted to," he answers quickly, trying to pull her back in. She places a hand on his chest, stopping him.

"Dawson, it's not-,"

"Don't you want to finally know? Don't you want to try?" he pleads, searching her eyes. She lets them fall to the ground.

"Dawson, I don't know if I'm ready. Pacey-,"

"Pacey is gone, Joey."

Tears pool in her eyes. He sighs.

"Look, I'm sorry. Let's...let's leave it at this for tonight. But think about it Joey. You're going to get over Pacey one day. And we might finally have our chance."

When she leaves that night, her feet carry her to the docks. She sits down, her legs dangling over the edge, and watches the stars sparkle on the water. She imagines them sparkling in bright, blue eyes. The blue eyes she watched them reflect in for an entire summer. 

The rest of summer inches by one hand and races by on the other. She spends it working at the club and lounging around with Jen and Jack. They mostly avoid the topic of Pacey, to Joey's relief, but get in the habit of playing the where is Pacey now game. Jack picks the most exotic destinations he can think of. Jen stays much more realistic in her guesses. Joey doesn't guess, just laughs at their suggestions. She just hopes he's happy. 

Finally the day comes. The truck is packed with her belongings and her room at Bessie's is painfully bare. 

"I just need to make one quick stop," she tells Bodie once everything is in the truck. She runs to the docks, crouching down at the end and looking out into the tumbling ocean.

"I hope you're happy," she whispers, watching the sun glimmering on the waves. "I love you, Pace." 

She looks over her shoulder and sees a boat. She hurries over and scrapes off a barnacle on the side, holding it up before tossing it into the ocean.

"For when I see you again, Pace."

College is hard but also everything Joey ever wanted. She's not the smartest one in all her classes, something that makes her insecure at first but she learns to value it. Her roommate, Audrey Liddell, is the most wild and outgoing person she's ever met and forces Joey out of her shell, entirely against her will but entirely to Joey's benefit. 

Dawson calls her almost everyday. They haven't explicitly discussed what's going on between them but he's heavily hinted at wanting to figure it out. Part of Joey does too. She wouldn't mind a definitive answer on the will they, won't they saga of her and Dawson and hearing his familiar voice everyday is a comfort she isn’t quite ready to give up. 

But her heart still races everytime she sees a boy with dark curly hair on campus. She still hears Pacey's voice in her mind when she falls asleep. She stumbles across a dock while out for a run and finds herself there nearly every day, gazing out into the water and imagining Pacey's eyes.

Dawson tells her he's coming to visit for a weekend and Joey pretends to be excited to finally work out this thing between them. She also pretends to be disappointed when he has to cancel.

Jen and Jack take her to a party to take her mind off it and three drinks in she winds up with a cell phone in the bathroom. She dials the number for Pacey and Gretchen's old beach house and cries when the operator tells her the number is no longer valid.

"I miss you Pace," she whispers to the beeping coming from the phone. "I wish you were here. You should be here."

She wipes the tears away before opening the door to a long line of angry girls.

Jen meets a new boy and her, Joey and Audrey have a girls dinner to celebrate. It's at a fancy restaurant by the water that they only choose because Audrey offers to pay. The conversation quickly gets PG-13 and Joey excuses herself to the bathroom, mostly because she hates talking about these things but also because even if she didn't, her only contributions would be about Pacey.

Which is exactly what she's thinking about when she sees him, behind the kitchen doors. She doesn't know what it would really feel like for your heart to stop beating, but she assumes it feels like this.

She stands and stares, even once he's no longer in her line of site, until a waiter asks her if she needs help. She mumbles a distracted no before hurrying back to the table, heart pounding in her ears.

"Joey, are you okay?" Jen asks, eyeing her with concern. She knows she must look like she's seen a ghost. In some ways, she has.

"I saw Pacey," she finally spits out.

"Pacey? Who's Pacey?" Audrey asks interestedly, glancing around the restaurant.

"You saw Pacey? Where?" Jen asks and Joey notes the lack of shock in her voice.

"In the kitchen," she replies suspiciously, watching Jen's face fill with anxiety. "He must work here."

"I guess," she agrees, eyes not meeting Joey's.

"Did you know he was here, Jen?" she asks quietly, ignoring Audrey's repeated questioning of who they're talking about.

"Well, not at this restaurant," Jen mumbles, shoulders sagging. "But I did know he was in Boston."

Joey stares at her for a moment, hurt bubbling in her chest.

"I wanted to tell you Joey, I did. He didn't even tell me, Dougie did."

"So why didn't you?" she asks coldly, stiffening in her chair.

"He asked me not to," Jen replies quietly, reaching for Joey's hand. She pulls it away.

Any pieces of Joey's heart that had started to heal break again at Jen's words. Pacey was here and didn't want to see her. 

"Oh," she whispers, swallowing to try and push the lump in her throat away. "I see."

"Alright clearly I'm not getting any answers. I'm going to the bathroom," Audrey announces, pushing out of her chair and striding across the restaurant. Joey barely registers it.

"I've been trying to get him to come out with us," Jen continues, watching Joey nervously. "He's just...being Pacey. You should go see him. I know where his boat is docked."

Joey shakes her head, inadvertently spilling a few tears. "No, he clearly doesn't want to see me. So I won't bother him."

"Joey, come on. You know how he is."

"What do you mean?"

"He's Pacey, the self-loathing martyr."

Joey walks back to the dorms in a daze, not listening to a word Audrey is saying by her side. All she can see is Pacey, those few seconds of him behind the kitchen doors replaying in her mind. 

"So, are you going to tell me about this guy?" Audrey asks once they're in their room, giving Joey a knowing look. Joey sighs.

She’s told Audrey about Dawson. Despite the seeming complexities of her story with Dawson, it had been rather easy. Her best friend turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend turned maybe something. It had all the twists and turns of a good love story and Audrey had been hooked. But Pacey, while seemingly straightforward on the surface, was too raw to get into. Too complicated. Too terrifying to put into words.

"Pacey is my...ex," she says after a moment, laying back on her bed. "We dated last year and broke up at the end of school. It was a messy break up."

"That's a pretty big thing to leave out, bunny," Audrey responds, sitting down beside Joey on her bed. "What happened?"

"Well, he was actually Dawson's best friend first."

"What?!"

Joey flushes, turning to Audrey. 

"Yeah. Then his girlfriend cheated on him around the same time Dawson dumped me. Before junior year. So we became friends and one thing led to another. I ended up spending my summer before senior year on a boat with him, sailing down the coast."

"Shut up! You've been holding out on me, bunny."

"We dated senior year but I was heading to college and Pacey...Pacey is probably the smartest person I know. In every way besides school. So he just kind of fell apart when we all started getting into college and planning our futures. Then he got a job offer to sail for the summer and left. I haven't talked to him since then. Or seen him."

"Until tonight?"

Joey nods, biting her lip.

"Well that explains it," Audrey announces after a moment, throwing her hands into the air dramatically.

"What?" 

"You have heartbreak eyes. And you talked about Dawson so I figured it was him but the way you talked about him...it didn't seem like you were heartbroken over him. Now I get it."

"Heartbreak eyes?"

"Yep. You can always see in someone's eyes when they're heartbroken."

Joey doesn't respond, instead turning her head to watch the dark campus outside their window.

"Joey, you should go talk to him."

"He doesn't want to see me."

"He absolutely wants to see you."

"How would you know?"

"Because you're the kind of girl guys never get over."

Joey excuses herself for a walk, feeling overwhelmed by the emotions swirling around her head. 

Without any conscious thought, her feet carry her back down towards the restaurant. It's over a mile and a bit chilly by the water but she can feel the magnet pull in her chest, the one that dragged her towards Pacey in the first place.

She notices a dock on the block behind the restaurant, lined with ships swaying in the dark ocean. She starts down the dock, telling herself she's just taking a walk while her eyes search every boat. She's being ridiculous. She has no idea if this is even where Pacey's boat is and no idea which boat is his. He could be out or below deck. The chances of stumbling across him are minimal.

But then her eyes fall on him. He's turned away from her, busy over something on the deck of the boat. She can tell even from her distance that it's him. The way he's slightly hunched over. The way he glances up at the stars. The way his body moves on the boat deck. His shoulders are slightly broader than when he left and she can see the tanned color of his skin, but it's still Pacey. 

She considers turning around. She knows where his boat is now. She could come back another day. But she knows he might not be here another day and that propels her to the edge of the dock.

"You can't see them as well in the city," she finally says, her voice trembling slightly. He spins around and his blue eyes are shining, the reflection of the ocean and the stars bright in them. Her breath catches.

"What? The stars? No, you can't. But what the hell, I've seen them all before right?"

She wraps her cardigan more tightly around her.

"Me too."

She starts to take a step towards his boat but stops, standing awkwardly beside it. But he's there in an instant, offering his hand out to her.

She climbs onto the boat, momentarily filled with deja vu staring into his eyes with the ocean surrounding them, but clears her throat.

"I don't need to ask permission anymore?" she jokes, moving towards the center of the deck. He grins at her.

"Not technically my boat. If it was, you bet your ass you would."

She chuckles, shaking her head, but can still feel her heart pounding in her chest.

"So did Lindley sell me out?" Pacey asks, rubbing his hands on his thighs. She relaxes a little, knowing he's nervous too.

"I saw you at the restaurant tonight. Civilization," she explains, tucking her hair behind her ear. "But then Jen folded like a cheap suit."

He laughs, shaking his head.

"I see."

She takes a deep breath, glancing up at the sky again.

"So you told her not to tell me you were here?"

She hears him take a sharp breath but keeps her eyes up towards the heavens. She isn't ready to see everything in his eyes.

"I did tell her that, yes."

"Well look Pace, I don't want you to avoid going out with us or seeing your friends because you don't want to see me. I'm sorry that-,"

"Jo, it has nothing to do with not wanting to see you."

His voice is so serious, she can't help but bring her eyes to his, her breath nearly knocked out of her chest by the fire in his eyes.

"Well, what is it then?"

He takes another breath and gestures to the seat behind the wheel.

"Want to sit down?"

She nods and slides into the seat, looking up at him.

"Look, Jo, I wanted to see you. I always want to see you. Not a day went by this summer that I didn't wish I could see you. But when I ended up in Boston, of all places, I knew you would be at Worthington now. You'd finally be living your dream and meeting new people and ending the Capeside chapter of your life you hated so much. And I didn't want to ruin any of that. You didn't need your loser high-school boyfriend who treated you like crap showing back up in your life."

Joey waits a few moments after he finishes talking before shaking her head.

"You know what Jen called you?"

"What?"

"The self-loathing martyr."

Pacey raises his eyebrows but doesn't say anything.

"You will fall on the sword for anyone, Pace. But sometimes you're the one holding it."

"So...what does that mean?" Pacey finally asks, looking over at her.

She looks into his eyes for a moment, studying them. She sees a twinkle in them. A twinkle that had gone out at the end of last year. 

"I'm not going to address the loser ex-boyfriend part. I didn't think you were a loser when you were on the cusp of not graduating high-school, Pace. I certainly don't think you're one now that you've got a job and a boat and are living on your own in Boston."

He flushes and opens his mouth to retort, but she continues on.

"As for treating me like crap, here's the thing Pace. This summer sucked. I didn't know I could feel so heartbroken."

"Jo, I-,"

"Let me finish. For a while, I blamed how hurt I was on how things ended. I told myself because it ended badly and because you were so mad at the end, that's why it was so hard to get over you. But you know what I realized? It hurt so much because of how well you treated me."

"I don't know about that."

"Pacey, you made me so happy. You supported me and encouraged me and gave me everything I wanted. And I forgot a lot of that while I was busy being mad at you. So the end wasn't great. You were lost and confused and I didn't see it so I kept making it worse."

"Joey, it was my fault-,"

"I don't want it to be anyone's fault. I just know that regardless of the ending, we had a great love story Pace. And I never want the fact we fell in love to bring you any guilt or keep you away."

When she looks back over at him, she sees a tear shining on his cheek. 

“And as for hating the Capeside part of my life, well there’s nothing like seeing it in the rearview mirror to make you realize that maybe it wasn’t all bad. Maybe parts of it were even great.”

"Thank you, Jo."

She gives him a warm smile, leaning on the wheel.

"Hey, stay here one second. I have something for you," he says, turning away from her.

He disappears below the deck and part of her wants to follow him. To see his life right now, to see his home in which Joey has no place. But she waits, listening to the waves splashing against the boat.

He reappears, slightly breathless and holding a small box in his hand. He hands it to her, cheeks visibly red in the dark night.

"Here."

She reaches for the box, pulling the lid open to reveal a small silver bracelet.

"Remember when we were in the Keys last summer, we went into that jewelry store? You said that one would go nicely with your mom's bracelet. But neither of us had any money so I told you that one day when I was a rich man, I'd go back and buy it for you. 

Well we stopped in the Keys on the way back to Miami. And I'm hardly a rich man but I did have free food and accommodations on the boat so my savings account looked a lot better than last time we were there."

Jackie gently lifts the bracelet from the box, holding it up so it glimmers under the stars and city lights.

"Pacey, I...,"

She can't think of any words. Not a single one to express everything she is feeling. The absolute affection and love and overwhelming desire swelling in her chest.

She looks back at the bracelet and sees something on the inside of the bracelet. She raises it to her eyes and sees small letters, engraved on the inside.

"True Love," she reads, looking up at Pacey with wide eyes.

"They uh, let you engrave them. So I figured...well I know you miss her too."

The tears in her throat are threatening to break into sobs so she says nothing, clutching the bracelet tightly in her fist.

"If you don't like it...don't worry about it. You don't have to wear it. Or keep it. I just thought-,"

"Pacey, it's perfect," she whispers, her voice choked behind her tears. "You...I can't believe you remembered."

"I told you, Jo. I remember everything."

Without thinking, she stands up and moves forward, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Thank you, Pace."

She leaves shortly after that, after asking about his job and his summer before he asks about school and her roommate. They fall back into their banter, although a muted version of it. Her fingers spend the whole night running over the bracelet on her wrist.

She doesn't get home until after midnight, listening to Audrey's snores as she enters the room. She's grateful Audrey is asleep. She wants to keep her night with Pacey to herself, at least for now.

She wakes up the next morning, her mind filled with Pacey, when she hears a knock at her. And in the never ending poorly timed saga of Dawson and Joey, he's standing at her door.

"Surprise."

She knows the look on her face isn't what he wanted to see so she pulls him into a hug while she attempts to force her expression into something remotely excited.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, sitting anxiously down on the end of her bed.

"Well since I couldn't come last weekend, I figured I'd surprise you," he replies, his voice sounding slightly hurt by her continued lack of enthusiasm. "Sorry, if it's a bad weekend I can leave. I probably should have called first."

She shakes her head, pulling him in for another hug.

"No it's fine, I'm just surprised. That's all."

At that moment Audrey bursts into the room, squealing when she sees Dawson.

"Are you P-," she begins but Joey senses the name before Audrey can finish.

"This is Dawson," Joey announces loudly, hopefully loudly enough so Dawson doesn't hear Audrey.

Audrey's eyes grow wide and she gasps, hurrying over and pulling Dawson into a hug.

"Oh, how exciting!" she squeals, winking at Joey over Dawson's shoulder. "I've heard so much about you."

"Yeah, you too, Audrey," Dawson chuckles, putting her back before pulling away. 

Audrey offers them a campus tour, Joey gladly accepts the easy distraction of having Audrey with them, and they follow her around the campus. She can feel Dawson attempting to move closer to her as they traipse around the campus, his arm brushing against hers more than once, but she pretends to have dropped something or points out a nonexistent landmark on the campus, hurrying away from him.

After an awkward lunch and before they go to meet Jen and Jack for dinner, Dawson pulls her aside as Audrey steps out of their room.

"Joey, can we please talk?"

She sighs but agrees, knowing this had to happen sooner or later.

They sit down on her bed, the space between them feeling like a valley. 

"Joey, I-," he begins, but stops, eyes looking down. "Is that new?"

She follows his gaze and sees his eyes locked on her bracelet, shining on her wrist. She reaches for it, the silver cool beneath her fingers.

"Yeah, it is," she responds, not offering any further information. 

"It's nice. Where did you get it?"

She hesitates for a moment, considering lying, before deciding the truth is probably easier.

"Pacey gave it to me."

She watches as his face goes from confusion to hurt to something akin to devastation.

"Pacey. You saw Pacey?"

She nods, not meeting his eyes.

"When?"

"Last night."

"You saw Pacey last night? He was in Boston?"

She nods, still not meeting his eyes.

"He lives here now. On a boat."

"And you didn't want to mention that earlier?" Dawson snaps, standing up from the bed and beginning to pace around the room.

"I didn't know until last night, Dawson. I didn't know you'd be here. I'm still processing everything."

It's silent for a moment besides Dawson's footsteps, Joey's stomach doing silent flips, when she hears Dawson laugh. She looks up in surprise.

"What's so funny?"

"Me. I'm such an idiot," he groans, running a hand over his face.

"No Dawson, you're not-,"

"No, I am. I spent so long lying to myself, I was practically living in an alternate universe Joey."

"What do you mean?" she asks, not following his train of thought.

"You will never love me as much as you love Pacey."

The words knock the wind out of her like a punch to her stomach. She opens her mouth a few times before she says anything, trying to come up with words.

"Dawson, I, that's not-,"

"Yes it's true, Joey. And we'll both be better off once you can admit it."

She searches his face for a moment. It's filled with bitterness and frustration and hurt but also resignation.

"Look Joey, I've spent the last year of my life convincing myself Pacey was a phase. That you needed to see what you had with him in order to see what you had with me. That once you two fell apart you'd come back to me and we'd finally make it work. Everyone told me that you would never love him like you loved me. And maybe in some ways that's true. You won't love him like you love me. You love him more than you love me. And I don't think that's ever going to change."

Tears are dripping down her cheeks now, panic setting in at the possibility of losing Dawson. The one thing she had never been able to walk away from.

"Dawson-,"

"It's not an ultimatum Joey. Not this time. You're always going to be my best friend. But that's the difference between us, isn't it? I give you ultimatums. He doesn't."

"He also humiliated me at prom and left me," she replies, wiping at the tears on her cheek.

"Honestly Joey? I've always felt kind of responsible for that."

She frowns at him, still sniffling. 

"How on earth does that make sense?"

"Think about it, Joey. Pacey was my best friend for so long. Then when he was going through the hardest time in his life, watching all of us get excited about college and the future when he was just trying to graduate, I was barely cordial with him. I'm not defending what he did to you. But if I'd let myself realize how much you two loved each other, I probably would have forgiven him sooner."

Joey shakes her head, dropping her head to his shoulder.

"You know, sometimes I wish you hadn't told me to go to him at the wedding. That none of this ever happened. Then you and him might have been friends and you and I might have worked out and I wouldn't have been so miserable this summer."

Dawson laughs but shakes his head.

"Joey, the way you and Pacey loved each other is something most people never get to experience. It's what I want someday."

Joey grins and squeezes his leg.

"It's the way you love film, Dawson. It doesn't have to be a person. You have a dream you love so much. Not everyone has that."

Dawson sighs, leaning back on the bed.

"I don't know, Joey. I might drop out."

Joey stares at him, not comprehending his words.

"What?"

"It's just...I don't know. I got fired from my job. Everyone out there kind of sucks. You and I...well I was confused by this whole thing. I'm just not sure if I should be in LA."

"Dawson-,"

"I'm going to go home and see my parents tomorrow and talk to them about it. We'll see."

She pulls him for another hug, resting her cheek on his shoulder.

"It's going to be okay, Dawson. No matter what you decide to do."

Dawson leaves for his parents' house that night and Joey spends the night pretending to do her readings but instead staring at the bracelet on her wrist.

True Love.

Unfortunately the next time she sees Pacey, it's under the most tragic of circumstances.

Bodie calls early one morning. Mitch is dead. Car accident. The funeral will be in a few days.

After leaving Dawson a horrifically rambling voicemail, she ends up at the docks, feeling mostly numb.

"Pacey, Mitch is dead."

She can see all the emotions she had this morning in Pacey's eyes. Horror, grief, shock, denial. 

"Come on. Grams is going to drive us."

Pacey lingers for a moment, looking at her unsurely.

"Joey, I don't know if-,"

"You don't know what?" 

"If Dawson even wants me there. I mean we weren't exactly on great terms."

Joey stares at him, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Pacey if you were at your dad's funeral, would you want Dawson there?"

He stares at her for a moment before his shoulder slump and he drags a hand down his face.

"Right, of course. Give me five minutes."

She lingers on the dock, the smell of the salt water thick in her nostrils. It's the same ocean as the one in capeside but nothing feels similar.

Finally Pacey emerges, a hastily packed duffle bag slung over his shoulder.

"I'll borrow a suit from Dougie back home. Let's go."

His eyes are wild and pained and before she knows what she's doing she reaches forward and wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. He freezes, stiff in her arms, before he leans into her, one hand sliding around her back and the other twisting into her hair.

They stay that way for a moment and Joey breathes in his scent. She didn't realize how much she missed it until she's surrounded by it.

Finally they break apart, both of them clearing their throats and slightly flushed before hurrying down the dock.

Capeside looks like the same, which Joey thinks is wrong considering what it's lost. There should be some visual evidence as soon as you enter townthat Mitch Leery is gone.

She tries to comfort Dawson. She's sure as the girl who lost her mom, she can fix this. She can be the one he leans on. She can use her years of grief to guide Dawson through his.

Instead she watches as he shies away from her, rejecting her offers of empathy and friendship. Finally he admits to her his last conversation was about dropping out of USC. About not knowing what he wanted and being lost. Her name came up. Mitch was disappointed. Joey feels like she can't breathe. Not only does Dawson blame himself, he blames her.

Pacey finds her on Bessie's porch, curled up and watching the water.

"Why would Dawson drop out of USC?" Pacey asks in confusion after Joey tells him the story, or at least part of it.

"He was feeling lost and disillusioned and...," she trails off, not sure how to explain the last part. Pacey fills it in.

"Ah. I see. Look, it's fine. I'm fine with it. You two deserve your shot."

Joey shakes her head, brushing away a tear.

"It's not...that's the thing. He was lost and confused and thinking about leaving USC for me and I couldn't give him what he wanted. Then his dad died."

"Joey, the only person to blame for this is the man who hit Mitch. It has nothing to do with you or Dawson. You have to know that."

She nods, wiping away another tear. 

"Joey!" Bessie calls from inside the house. Joey jumps up from her chair, giving Pacey a sad smile before hurrying inside.

She's laying in her bed that night, not even remotely close to falling asleep, when she hears a tap at the window. At first she thinks she's imagining it, her grief and anxiety manifesting as a knocking in her brain, but quickly realizes the sound is from outside.

She pushes the window open and sees Pacey standing below, grinning up at her nervously.

"Sorry, were you asleep?" he whispers, looking apologetic. She shakes her head and gestures for him to come in. He does so, sliding through the open window and glancing around the room.

"Wow. This feels kind of weird," he mutters, scratching the back of his neck. "Like I'm in a memory or something."

"I know," she whispers back, taking a seat on the edge of her bed. He sits in the chair at her desk.

"Sorry to bother you. I just...well you seemed upset earlier and I, well I wanted to make sure you were okay," he finally admits, giving her a sad smile.

"Oh please, we both know you just like sneaking through my window," she quips, grinning at him. He grins back. 

"It feels less cool now that I'm not in high school. And I thought I'd be less scared of being caught in here by Bessie, but I'm not."

She chuckles but glances at the door.

"I'm glad you're back, Pace. Especially for this."

He sighs, lines appearing between his eyebrows.

"Yeah, me too. Well, part of me wishes I wasn't. I'm a big fan of sailing away when things get tough. As you know.”

Joey offers a hollow laugh, bringing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around herself.

“So what happened between you and Dawson, anyway?” Pacey asks after a moment. She raises an eyebrow at him. “No hard feelings, honestly. I’m just curious now.”

“No hard feelings, huh? I should be offended. My ex-boyfriend has no feelings towards a potential reunification with the third point of the love triangle.”

Pacey chuckles, shaking his head.

“Well, I wouldn’t say that. How about, I promise to keep my feelings to myself?” She doesn’t respond for a moment, watching his eyes twinkle in the dark room. “I just want you to be happy, Jo.”

That forces the words out of her.

“I told you, nothing happened. Before he left, we kissed. And then while he was in LA we talked a lot. It seemed like maybe...I don’t know, like maybe it would work out. But then when he actually visited, we both realized it wouldn’t.”

“How come?”

She takes a deep breath, wrapping her arms more tightly around herself.

“One of our hearts wasn’t in it.”

She hears Pacey take a sharp breath and she drops her eyes to the floor, feeling his eyes burning on her skin.

“Hey Pace?” she says after a moment, still keeping her eyes down.

“Yes, Jo?”

“Barnacle for your thoughts?”

He chuckles and the sound warms her bones.

“You don’t have a barnacle, Potter.”

“Actually, technically I do. Before I left for Boston, I was by the docks and I threw one into the ocean for you. I said you’d owe me when you got back.”

“Well in that case…,” he murmurs, smile evident in his voice. “I’m thinking that I missed you, Jo.”

“I missed you too, Pace,” she whispers back, finally looking up into his eyes. She realizes what is going to happen about a second before it does. She stands up at the same time he does and they meet in the middle, his arms snaking around her waist at the same time her arms wrap around his neck.

His mouth is warm and open, welcoming her in the way it always has. His tongue swipes against her bottom lip and she twists her fingers into the hair at the bottom of his neck, pulling him closer. He moans quietly into her mouth, pressing their bodies against each other. She can feel him hard against her, pressing into her. It sends heat into her stomach.

She isn’t sure if she pulls him or he pushes her, or maybe both, but they end up on her bed, Pacey hovering over her. He places a kiss on her neck, his teeth gently scraping the sensitive skin there. She shudders and rolls her hips, pressing them against him. He hisses.

“God, Jo,” he murmurs against her skin, moving down her neck and running his lips across her collarbone. She can feel the heat between her legs, wet and desperate. She rolls her hips up again, tugging his lips back to her mouth. She slips her tongue into his mouth and moves her hand in between them, gently cupping him over his jeans.

“Joey,” he whispers, the huskiness in his voice increasing the throbbing between her legs, “Are you sure? I didn’t come here for this-,”

“Pacey, please,” she whines, moving her hands to his belt and deftly undoing the buckle. Pacey moans again.

“Fuck, Jo,” he whimpers as her hand slips into his pants, taking him into her hand. “I missed you, sweetheart.”

She strokes him once, twice, three times before he grabs her arm, pulling it away.

“Hold on or this is going to be over before it starts,” he mutters, standing up and tugging down his jeans. He crawls back onto the bed, reaching for the waist of her pajama bottoms.

“Can I?” he asks, eyes darting between her and his hands. She bites her lips and nods, shivering as the cold air hits her exposed skin. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, letting his hand trail from below her belly button to the top of her folds. It takes all her self-control not to scream at him to fuck her.

Finally he slips a finger inside of her, pumping gently in and out.

“You’re so tight,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to her lower stomach.

“It’s been a while,” she responds, her breath hitching as he slides a second finger in, pumping harder. Her hips involuntarily thrust against it, moving with him.

He moves his lips down, finally bringing his mouth onto her. She winds her fingers into his hair and brings her pillow to her mouth, biting down on it so she doesn’t scream. She’s barely aware of her own body anymore, he’s brought her somewhere non-corporeal. She closes her eyes and sees shimmering oceans and shining blue eyes, twinkling with stars. The pleasure peaks and she shudders in release, chest heaving as he slides his fingers out of her and presses a line of kisses up her stomach and one on each breast, covered by her thin pajama shirt, before placing a final one on her forehead. 

“Pacey,” she whispers, stroking his cheek, unable to form the appropriate words. He grins and presses another kiss to her forehead. “Do you have a condom?”

He sighs and rubs her cheekbone with his thumb, blue eyes peering down at her.

“Joey, we really don’t-,”

She cuts him off with a searing kiss, tasting herself sharp on his tongue.

“I want to.”

He searches her face for a moment more before nodding and moving off her to reach for his jeans. The air is cold against her flushed and heated skin, no longer protected by his body. He digs into the pocket of his jeans and pulls out his wallet, holding up a golden wrapper.

“You’re sure?” he asks again, hesitating with the condom in hand. She nods.

He moves back over to her and brushes a strand of hair off her forehead, smiling down before ripping the wrapper open. She wonders for a moment if they ever really left that hotel room on the ski trip.

She watches as he unrolls the condom onto himself before positioning himself between her legs.

He pushes into her slowly and her breath hitches as the tip presses against her, stretching her with a pleasant burning sensation. She keeps her eyes on his face, watching his eyelids flutter.

“You okay?” he asks, hesitating inside of her. She nods, reaching up for his shoulder to pull her to him. He does and moves his hips against her, pushing farther in. She whimpers, clawing at his back.

He begins to move, thrusting in and out, slowly at first but speeding up as she begins to move with him, back arching with pleasure. 

“Joey, you are so gorgeous,” he whispers in her ear, tugging her earlobe into his mouth.

“I missed you, Pacey,” she whispers back, biting down on his shoulder to muffle a cry of pleasure as he pushes all the way into her again.

She has no idea how long it lasts. It could be seconds, it could be hours, but all she knows is she never wants it to end.

But with matching shudders and groans, it does. He collapses beside her, panting lightly and running his hand through her hair. 

She rolls over, resting her head on his chest and snaking an arm across his waist, curling as tightly against him as she can. He chuckles, running his hand up and down her spine.

“Hey, Jo?” he asks after a moment, resting his cheek on the crown of head.

“Yes, Pace?”

“I really didn’t come here for that. I promise.”

She laughs and presses a kiss to his chest.

“I know, Pace.”

“Alright, cool.”

Another moment of silence passes and her eyelids start to feel heavy.

“Jo?”

“Yes, Pacey.”

“Barnacle for your thoughts?”

“And where is said barnacle?”

“I live on a boat, Jo. I’ll get you a barnacle.”

“I’m thinking...that it feels wrong to feel happy right now. With Mitch.”

Pacey sighs and kisses her forehead, pausing his hand on her back.

“I know. But tomorrow is going to suck. So we might as well get our happiness in now, before the funeral.”

She nods, sighing happily as his fingers resume their path.

“Jo, I should go,” he whispers, shifting as if to move from the bed.

“Can you stay?” she asks, pressing a hand to his chest to stop him from moving. “Just for tonight?”

“But Bessie-,”

“You can sneak out the window in the morning. I just...please stay.”

“Fine. But if you kick me in your sleep like you used to, I am out of here Potter.”

“It wasn’t in my sleep, Pace,” she mumbles back, grinning against his chest. He fakes an offended gasp. 

“Hey, Pacey?”

“Yes, Joey.”

“I don’t...I don’t mean anything by this. I’m not saying it so we can...so we get back together or anything. I just want you to know.”

“Want me to know what?”

“I love you, Pace.”

“I love you too, Jo.”

“Pace, can you tell me a story?”

“A story?”

“Like we used to.”

“Yeah, I think I can do that. Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who got onto a boat…”

Those words are ringing in her ears when she finally slips into a dream.

Joey blinks awake to an empty bed and her hand lands on a small scrap of paper.

Jo,

Had to go do something. I’ll come by and get you before the funeral. 

XO

PW

PS - you still snore

She grins at the note, stretching her limbs and wincing at the soreness between her legs, but doesn’t drop the grin.

She tugs on her discarded pants and wraps a robe around herself before heading out of her room. 

“Look who it is,” Bessie teases when she appears, handing her a cup of coffee. “Wasn’t sure you’d make it out here before the sun went down.”

Joey sticks her tongue out but doesn’t retort, taking a seat at the table.

“So listen Joey, I know you think you’re a grown up now but while you’re staying with me, no more boys sneaking through the window, alright?”

Joey flushes, her cheeks burning.

“I’m sorry, Bessie. It wasn’t-,”

“I’ll let it slide given the circumstances, but seriously Joey, what are you doing? He left.”

“Well, obviously he’s back,” she replies, sipping her coffee and avoiding Bessie’s narrowed eyes.

“For how long? Until he gets another job on a boat?”

“Look Bessie, we’re not back together.”

“Just back sleeping together?”

“It’s not, it’s not like that. You wouldn’t understand.”

“I’m just saying baby sis, be careful. That boy has got your heart on a string. Don’t let him break it again.”

The words echo in her ears as she slips into her black dress, any joy from this morning completely vanished. She had offered to go over early, to help Dawson and Gail, but Dawson had turned her down, claiming with all the family in town it would be too crowded as it was. The rejection stung, but the relief she felt was almost as loud.

A knock on the door pulls Joey out of her thoughts and she swings it open, revealing Pacey clad in a black suit. He gives her a tight smile, eyes travelling down her body.

"You look...tragically beautiful," he says and she feels her cheeks warm but smiles back.

"So do you, Pace."

"Shall we?" he asks, holding his arm out. She takes it.

"We'll meet you there, Bessie," Joey calls out and shuts the door behind her.

"I figured we could walk. If your shoes will allow," Pacey comments, glancing down at her feet.

"Actually, could we take the boat?" she asks, looking up at him. "It would feel right."

"Of course, Potter," he murmurs and they head over towards the water. He offers Joey his hand and she takes it, climbing down into the boat.

"So, I know we need to talk," he says after a minute. Joey watches the water ripple along the sides of the boat.

"After, okay? Let's focus on Mitch now."

Pacey looks for a moment like he might take her hand, but seems to decide against it and nods instead.

Pacey does hold her hand during the funeral, tears dripping down both of their cheeks. She'd wanted to sit next to Dawson but by the time they got there, he had his mother on one side and Jen on the other.

But as Pacey runs his thumb across her knuckles, she knows he gets it in a way no one else does, how it feels to bury the father you had in every way except blood. The two lost children of Capeside, drawn to the warmth and love of the Leery's home to escape the cold and chaos of their own.

Pacey disappears when she finds Dawson, alone on the dock.

"Something about the water is comforting, isn't it?" she asks, taking a seat beside her. He doesn't respond.

"It was a beautiful service, Dawson," she finally says, eyes on the setting sun. 

"You know Joey, I always sympathized with you. After your mom died. Sometimes I even thought I understood. But I realize now that I wasn't even close to understanding."

She reaches a hand out and lays it on top of his, squeezing. He doesn't move his hand away, but doesn't return the squeeze.

They sit that way for a few more minutes until Dawson excuses himself.

Pacey finds her there, she isn't sure how much time has passed, and takes Dawson's place, legs dangling over the water.

"This is where he told me to go to you, you know," Joey says after a few minutes, looking down at the end of the dock. "After his parents' wedding. He said I needed to figure out what you and I had. That I would regret it forever if I didn't."

"Good guy, that Dawson," Pacey replies tilting his head up towards the stars. "They are brighter out here, huh?"

"Pacey, I love you. Sometimes I wonder if there was ever really a time when I didn't. But I think you were right. Back at Prom-,"

Pacey winces, opening his mouth. Joey continues before he can interrupt.

"Not the way you said it, but in what you said. We were on different paths and wanted different things. And if we had stayed together, you wouldn't have been able to sail the world. I know you thought it was you holding me back, but I think really I would have held you back."

"Joey, I would go anywhere in the world with you. If you asked."

"Exactly. And I think that's why last night needs to be what it was. Last night. You're finally figuring out your life, Pace. And I am so proud of you. But for right now, I think we need to figure out our lives ourselves."

He sighs, shaking his head.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're kind of smart, Potter?"

She grins at him, chuckling.

"Not you, that's for sure."

"Yes well someone has to keep that ego in check."

"Glad I can count on you for that, Witter. I can count on you, right?"

"Are you oh so slyly asking if I'm going to take off into the great beyond again?"

"Maybe."

"Not right now, Jo. Maybe one day. But the craziest thing happened, I actually started to enjoy my life and I couldn't think of anything to sail away from."

Joey brushes away a tear and lays her head down on Pacey's shoulder, listening to the water lap against the dock.

"Jen told me once that every girl gets to sleep with her ex-boyfriend one more time after they break up for free."

"For free? Well if I'd known that last night-,"

"As in, emotionally free, Pace. No strings attached. Ex-sex."

"Ex-sex?"

"Yep."

"How many times can I redeem that ticket?"

"Just once, Pace."

"Ah well, at least it was a good one."

"Still friends though, right Pace?"

"Always, Potter. Can't get rid of me that easily."

Joey laughs and Pacey lifts his arm up, wrapping it around her shoulders. 

"Thanks for coming home, Pace."

The weeks after the funeral are something of a blur. Joey throws herself into her schoolwork, determined to fill her mind with something besides grief over Mitch Leery and whatever grey area her and Pacey are in.

They seemed to have found an equilibrium. They're friends, or something closely adjacent to it. They banter across the table when the group goes out. She no longer feels a sharp jolt in her chest when his name is mentioned.

But they also flirt after a couple drinks. She finds their fingers intertwined when he walks her and Audrey back to campus, as he always insists on doing. She catches herself spending her afternoons at the bar of his restaurant, watching him saunter around in his chef's uniform. She may or may not have to blink away a dirty thought when she sees him in it.

So of course, no one besides Joey is surprised when she wakes up in his boat one morning, naked under his blanket.

Crap.

"Apparently it was a double ticket," she mutters the next morning as she tugs her clothes back on while Pacey lounges in the bed, blanket just barely covering his lower half. 

"I'm just that good, Jo. No one can resist," he quips, winking at her before he stretches his arms out, exposing more of himself. She swallows before tearing her eyes away.

"Well you've got the advantage of me not having anything to compare it to," she retorts, standing up and tugging her jeans on. His face grows serious.

"So you haven't...uh there hasn't been anyone else?"

"Sorry, I forgot to tell you about the soccer team," she rolls her eyes, leaning down to zip her boots. A thought occurs to her. "What about you? Was there someone else?"

She turns around and her stomach falls when he doesn't meet her eyes. "Oh."

"Look, Jo-,"

"No I mean, we weren't together. We're not together. So there's no reason to be mad, right?" She winces at how forced the words sound, like they're being spoken by someone else entirely.

"It didn't mean anything. I was just lonely and missing you and there was way too much free time on that boat."

"It's fine, really Pace," she lies, straightening up and reaching for her purse. "I'll see you later, okay?"

"Jo-," he calls but she's already on the boat deck, ocean breeze whipping her face. She wraps her arms around herself and climbs off the boat, hurrying towards the street before Pacey can clothe himself and follow her.

The fact he slept with someone else shouldn't be sitting her stomach like the rock it is. He'd been gone for months and they'd been broken up. She could hardly expect him to sit around and pine for her, rejecting the touch of another woman.

Like I did, she thinks bitterly to herself, shaking her head.

But there's something about knowing not so long ago, she wasn’t the last person Pacey had touched. That when he fell asleep at night, it might not be her he pictured. He already had her virginity, something that would bind her to him forever, and now he'd closed a chapter of their relationship that she hadn't yet shut the door on. One she didn't even know was closed.

Audrey pounces on her as soon as she enters her dorm.

"Alright, let's hear all about it."

"What, Audrey?"

"You and Pacey were practically groping each other all night and you didn't come home!"

"Audrey, no."

"You're no fun, bunny. I give you all my details!"

"Entirely against my will," Joey points out, glaring at her.

"You did sleep with him though, right?"

Joey doesn't say anything, reaching for her shower caddy.

"I knew it. He's good, right? He seems like he'd be good in bed."

"Audrey!" she admonishes, heading towards the door.

"Seriously Joey, it's a good thing. You two are like, perfect for each other. I totally get the pining now."

"We're not together, Audrey," she replies coolly, grabbing her robe. She reaches for the doorknob, but halts before she does.

"Hey, Audrey?"

"Yes, bunny?"

"Is it...do you think it's weird Pacey is the only person I've slept with?"

Audrey shrugs, pulling out a bottle of nail polish.

"Not really. You seem like someone who would only sleep with someone when you're in love. And as far as I know, you've only ever been in love with Pacey."

"If he slept with someone else, you know after we broke up, do you think that means he didn't love me?"

Audrey barks out a laugh, looking at Joey with wide eyes.

"Bunny, I'm pretty sure no one has loved anyone as much as Pacey loves you. If he slept with someone else, I guarantee he was only thinking of you."

Joey contemplates this under the hot water.

Pacey reaches out to them the next weekend, insisting on a group dinner at Gram's, food courtesy of Pacey.

Dawson and Jen had taken off for a film festival and they hadn't been together as a group in weeks. She knows Pacey mostly wants to see her, she'd been giving him the cold-shoulder since the night on the boat, but she wants to see Dawson and Audrey practically begs her to go.

Despite selfishly enjoying a reprieve from the grief counseling, she can't help but side-eye the growing connection between Jen and Dawson. They'd always been friendly but something about not being Dawson's shoulder to lean on in the wake of tragedy sits uncomfortably in her chest. 

Pacey pulls her aside once they arrive, blue eyes shining with sincerity.

"Jo, about the other night, I'm really sorry. I should have told you there had been someone else. It wasn't fair to you."

She sighs and places a hand on his shoulder, mostly listening for the sound of Dawson and Jen entering the house.

"It's okay, Pace."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's a little uncomfortable but this is uncharted waters for us, for me at least. I'm not your girlfriend anymore. I slept with you knowing I hadn't been your girlfriend in a while. Let's just, pretend it didn't happen, alright?"

He nods but she can see a flicker of disappointment in his eyes.

"Uncharted waters, huh? Well that's my specialty."

He gives her a smile that doesn't meet his eyes.

Dawson and Jen arrive in style, making out in the doorway.

Everyone spends the night asking Joey if she's okay. Some of them with a subtle look, she's grateful to Jack for that, some of them with a breastful of gummy risotto, she's less grateful to Audrey for that.

The words "I'm fine," feel stale on her tongue. And she is fine. And even if she isn't, she hasn't been given a moment of alone time to even process that possibility.

Of course, it's Pacey who extracts it from her. Pacey who always knows exactly how to ask her how she's doing. Without ever actually asking.

Jack and Audrey branch off for a night of fun and she and Pacey continue down the street, comfortable silence filling the space between them.

"You know, Pace," she says after a moment, glancing up at him, "I've always envied you and your ability to see the big picture."

He offers her a chuckle, shaking his head.

"Well I am the great visionary of our generation."

She reaches for his arm, gripping the crook of his elbow. He tucks it tightly into his side, pulling her closer.

"You just, you always knew what you needed. When things got tough, you knew it was time to leave. And you had two amazing summers at sea."

"I think you're giving me a little too much credit, Jo. I just knew I needed to get away. Everything that came from that was just a plus."

She sighs, resting her cheek on his shoulder.

"It's just...I am happy for them, you know? But if I can't be the one who's there for him when a parent dies, what am I good for?"

"How about being his best friend? Something I definitely failed at."

They continue down the block, the chilly fall air nipping at her cheeks.

"You know, a part of me was glad when he leaned on Jen. A part of me was glad I didn't have to take care of him. But...,"

She trails off, mind swirling with thoughts and feelings she can't find the words for.

"But you didn't expect to lose your place?"

Of course Pacey finds the words.

"How awful does that sound?" she laughs hollowly, kicking at the sidewalk.

"I think it sounds like the truth," Pacey replies, squeezing her hand against his side. "And I am a big fan of the truth."

He comes to a stop and pulls her against him into a tight hug.

She immediately leans into it, burying her face in his neck.

"Thanks, Pace," she whispers, "And thank you for not spending the whole night asking me how I was."

He laughs, the vibrations of it rumbling in his chest. "Yeah well, I've known you long enough to know that's going to get us anywhere."

She laughs back, nodding. 

He releases her and they start back on their walk, shoulders bumping against each other.

"You know Pace, everyone has always told me that Dawson knows me better than anyone. I've always said Dawson knows me better than anyone. But then I talk to you and well...maybe that's not true anymore."

She hears him take a deep breath, breath just visible in the night air.

"High honors, Ms. Potter."

"Use it wisely."

He chuckles and bumps his hip against hers, sending her towards the edge of the sidewalk. She grins, feeling better with every step.

Dawson and Jen's relationship continues, with Dawson relocating to Boston. While Joey can't say she understands their relationship, they both seem happy and she keeps her nose out of it as much as possible. Things with Pacey have settled down. There is one drunken makeout session on New Years, it was midnight anyway, but he's busy excelling at work and she's busy getting straight As. Her lovelife is admittedly a little sad, something Audrey never fails to point out, but considering the angst and drama it had brought her the last three years, the downswing isn't something she minds.

Pacey mentions an open waitress position at his restaurant and Joey briefly considers, she is broke and she still hasn't quite been able to shake the desperate desire to be near Pacey at all times, but the idea of serving hungry, rich patrons is too horrifying.

But Audrey announces a monetary rift with her parents and jumps on the waitressing job when Joey mentions it, ignoring Pacey's looks. Audrey will be a good waitress and more importantly, this might get her out of their room once in a while.

The night they get back from winter break, Audrey and Pacey practically drag her out to a bar. It’s a little seedy and her mind is still stuck on her grades as she sips at her vodka soda.

“So how soon after we got back did you go to check your grades?” Pacey asks her, wincing as Audrey knocks two pool balls in.

“Okay, I’m an obsessive freak. I admit it. There’s no hope for me yet.”

“No, that's not true. There is a part of you that knows how to let loose. You just have to... Let her loose every once in a while.”

“What part?”

Pacey leans past her, his arm brushing against hers, and brings his mouth to her ear

“The other Joey. The carefree girl who knows how to drink and play strip poker and go away on a sailboat for a summer. The girl who can get up in front of a crowd of complete strangers and sing at a beauty pageant.”

His voice is deep and husky and heat pools into her stomach. She momentarily considers throwing herself on the pool table and letting him take her right here, but she pushes those thoughts out of her head. 

“Other Joey?” she asks, blinking up at him, hoping her poker face is believable.

“Yes, the other Joey,” he grins, letting his fingers brush against her lower back before stepping away, winking at her.

She does find other Joey that night, up on stage, belting along with the band. She sees Pacey’s blue eyes, smiling at her in the crowd, and sings louder.

As Audrey is preparing to star in Dawson's movie a few weeks later, Joey wonders if pushing Audrey at Pacey might not have been her best move. The banter between them has intensified to something Joey recognizes as flirting. And a flirty Pacey combined with a sex drought Audrey seems like something akin to Joey's worst nightmare.

She realizes her nightmare may be entering reality when they begin filming for Dawson’s movie. He casts an admittedly far too good looking Charlie as the male, opposite Audrey as the female lead. It should be a match made in heaven except Audrey can barely get through a scene, throwing constant glances towards Pacey who looks most determinedly at his feet. Joey’s stomach does a flip.

Finally Audrey rushes to the bathroom and Joey hurries after her, grabbing Pacey on the way.

“Ow, Joey, ow,” he whines as she tugs him down the hallway, knocking furiously on the bathroom door until Audrey throws it open, eyes red and swollen.

“Alright, what is going on here?” Joey demands, planting her hands on her hips. Pacey’s eyes dart everywhere except her face. Audrey’s lower lip trembles. 

“I’m so sorry Joey,” Audrey finally wails, quit literally throwing herself at Joey’s feet. “It just happened. I swear it didn’t go anywhere.”

“What happened? Can someone fill me in?” she snaps, looking between the two. Pacey’s lips remain in a tight line.

“We made out,” Audrey finally admits, shoulders slumping. 

Joey feels as though someone has dumped a cold bucket of water over her head. Pacey still won’t look her in the eye and Audrey is practically flogging herself below her, begging for forgiveness.

“It’s fine,” she finally forces out, her voice sounding quite unlike her own. “You’re both adults and no one in here is bound to anyone else,” her eyes dart towards Pacey, “so it’s not really my business. But you both need to pull it together for this movie and stop making a scene.”

She forces a tight smile onto her face before storming out of the bathroom. She knows the smile won’t fool Pacey but it might get past Audrey, at least for now.

As she hurries back to the set, she tells herself that while it’s not exactly good manners for your roommate to hook up with your ex-boyfriend, or your ex-boyfriend to go after your roommate, she’d rather Pacey with Audrey than some bimbo she doesn’t know. Joey loves Audrey. Audrey and Pacey have a lot in common. It’s about time Joey and Pacey move on from each other anyway.

She just wishes it didn’t hurt so damn bad.

She gets through the rest of the filming without talking to either of them, ducking out of Audrey’s line of sight several times before she can be pulled aside.

Finally she gets into her miraculously empty dorm room and throws herself on her bed, burying her face in her pillow. Her head is pounding and the hurt in the pit of her stomach is growing larger and larger every second, moving into her throat and burning her eyes. She lets a few tears fall.

At that moment Audrey throws the door open, bursting in and hurrying over to her.

“Oh bunny,” she cries, seeing the tears on Joey’s cheek. “Joey, I am so sorry. I am never going near him again.”

Joey lets out a choked laugh and shakes her head, wiping the tears away.

“It’s fine, Audrey. It’s just...well it’s a little weird. But I can get used to it.”

Audrey lets out a disbelieving huff and sits on the bed next to Joey.

“Will you stop that?”

“Stop what?”

“The ‘I’m fine’ routine. It’s getting old.”

“It’s not a routine, Audrey.”

“You always do this. When people totally screw you over, you shut down and say you’re fine. You just found out your roommate, who you totally adore by the way, made out with a guy who is basically the love of your life. You should be kicking my ass right now.”

Joey laughs again, rolling her eyes at Audrey.

“I’m not going to kick your ass. And Pacey is hardly the love of my life.”

Audrey raises an eyebrow.

“You are so oblivious.”

“What?”

“Pacey is your lobster!”

“My...my what?” Joey asks, sitting up and looking over in confusion.

“God, don’t you watch Friends?”

“Um, no?”

“You need to get out more, bunny. Ross and Rachel are each other's lobsters!”

“Gross, I think.”

“No, Joey. Lobsters mate for life. So no matter what happens or where they go they always end up with the same lobster. You and Pacey are each other's lobsters.”

Joey blinks at Audrey, eyeing her suspiciously.

“That is a ridiculous statement and ridiculous metaphor.”

“I’m just saying, Joey. Stop letting everyone walk all over you and pretending you don’t care.”

Eventually Audrey leaves for work, still being obnoxiously nice to Joey. She wishes she wouldn’t She just wants to forget this whole stupid day happened.

But when a knock on the door leads to Pacey Witter standing awkwardly across the landing from her, it’s difficult to forget.

“Hey, Potter,” he says, shifting his weight nervously from side to side. “Can I come in?”

She steps aside but doesn’t say anything, allowing him to walk past her.

“So here’s the thing, Jo. I’m really sorry.”

She snorts, crossing her arms over her chest. All the anger she refused to let out earlier seems to be simmering somewhere in her chest.

“Audrey was telling the truth though, it just sort of happened. And we stopped right away.”

“God forbid you think with something besides your dick, Pacey,” she snaps back, feeling only slightly guilty at the hurt flickering through his eyes.

“I don’t...look Jo I said I’m sorry. It’s not going to happen again, okay?”

“Whatever, Pacey,” she snaps. She doesn’t know why she’s so angry now. He’s apologizing, blue eyes wide with genuine sincerity. But the idea of him on top of Audrey, kissing her the way he used to kiss Joey, seems to be pushing rational thought out of her mind. “You can do whatever you want with whoever you want. I’m not your girlfriend anymore.”

He winces slightly at that but takes a small step towards her, eyes wide and pleading.

“You’re still my friend though. Probably my best friend. And I don’t want anything to screw that up.”

His wide, scared eyes are too much for her to withstand. Her kryptonite. Her dreams.

“I know, Pace,” she sighs, moving towards him and wrapping her arms around his neck. “I know.”

She hears him release a long breath and pull her more tightly against him, burying his face in her hair.

They stay that way for a moment, letting the minutes tick by as they hold each other. Finally she extracts herself, bringing her hands to her eyes, pretending to scratch her cheek to hide the tear she wipes away.

Then she chuckles. Pacey frowns at her.

“Care to let me in on the joke?”

“It’s just...well Audrey said you were my lobster.”

“Um...is that some kind of an insult?”

“No, apparently not. I guess it...well apparently lobsters mate for life. And you’re my lobster.”

“So we’re a couple of sea dumpsters who are stuck with each other?”

Joey laughs, shaking her head.

“I don’t know. Something like that.”

“Huh. Well that’s a new one.”

“If you really like Audrey, you should be with her,” Joey finally says, sitting down on her bed. “She’s a good person.”

“I don’t...I don’t know what I feel about Audrey,” Pacey replies after a moment, sitting down beside her.

“Well you like her, don’t you?”

“Honestly Jo? No one can seem to hold a candle to you. It makes it hard to figure out how I feel about anyone.”

“I know, Pace,” she whispers back, this time letting a tear fall openly down her cheek. “Some days, I can’t remember why we broke up.”

“But?” he presses, raising his eyebrows, knowing there is more.

“But then some days, I do. I know you turned down that sailing job before, but next time you might not. And I finally feel like...like I’m getting to know Joey Potter. Not Dawson’s soulmate or Pacey Witter’s girlfriend. Just Joey Potter.”

“Well let me tell you,” Pacey responds, bumping his shoulder against hers, “She’s pretty incredible. She snores like crazy,” Joey lets out an offended gasp and bumps his shoulder back, “But a fantastic person. I think she might just be the love of my life, no matter how exactly she fits into it.”

Tears prick at Joey’s eyes again and she leans her head on Pacey’s shoulder, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek.

“You’re the perfect boy, Pacey Witter. Always have been, always will be.”

They stay that way for a moment until Joey breaks the silence.

“Pacey, if you do like Audrey, you should go for it. I mean it. I just want you to be happy. And if you and I keep up this...whatever exactly it is, we might never get there.”

Pacey sighs and presses a kiss to her forehead.

“We’ll see, Potter. We’ll see.”

By some horrible twist of fate, Joey winds up in the back seat of Pacey’s car, listening to Audrey and Pacey try not to flirt with each other in between Pacey shooting verbal daggers at Charlie, stuffed in the backseat with her.

Half of her brain can’t focus on anything besides the way Audrey’s hand accidentally brushes against Pacey’s. The other half can’t focus on anything besides the way her body fills with electricity everytime Charlie moves within a foot of her.

It’s something of an out of body experience, feeling this type of attraction towards someone who isn’t Pacey. A pure animal magnetism. The fact he’s surprisingly smart and easy to talk to helps.

Pacey hates him. She doesn’t know if it’s because he was kissing Audrey last week or because Joey can’t keep her eyes off him for longer than a few seconds, but she knows what a jealous Pacey Witter looks like and this checks off every box.

They eventually get to where they’re going, Joey thinks her nerves are going to actually eat through her stomach lining, but after several stumbles and nearly tossing her cookies on stage, the night ends in front of a cheering crowd.

Audrey pulls her aside after the show, her lipstick slightly smudged but a huge smile on her face.

“So listen, would you absolutely hate us if we checked into that motel?”

Joey raises an eyebrow at her and glances over at the seedy looking motel.

“Yeah, probably.”

“It’s just...look Pacey and I sort of…,”

“Made out again?” Joey offers, rolling her eyes at Audrey.

“Maybe. Look, I meant everything I said the other week. But I talked to Pacey and he said he thought you might really be okay with it. It’s not anything serious, but it’s a long drive home and I just thought…,”

“I think it’s a great idea.” Charlie’s voice appears from behind them, smiling enthusiastically. Joey huffs and shoots a glare at him.

“Fine. But if we all get bed bugs, don’t blame me,” she snaps, crossing her arms over her chest and trudging behind them across the parking lot.

Audrey and Pacey get a room and disappear inside of it so Joey makes her way to the empty pool, sinking into a chair beside it.

Not entirely to her dismay, Charlie finds her.

“I got us a room,” he offers, holding up two keys. She narrows her eyes at him.

“Let me guess, there were no single beds left.”

“Not a one, I swear.”

He asks her about Pacey and to her surprise, she admits to having only slept with him. Her eyes watch the door he and Audrey have just disappeared behind the entire time. She feels fear and jealousy and sadness, but also hope. She always knew he would have to be the one to move on first, Joey never stood a chance with Pacey still lingering the picture, and maybe it’s finally time. 

She’s just not sure she’s ready.

Eventually Charlie disappears and Pacey takes his spot.

“You gonna stay out here all night?” he asks, eyes searching her face.

“I was thinking about it,” she replies airily, keeping her eyes on the empty pool.

“If he tries anything unsavory...you know where to find me right?”

“In Audrey’s room?”

His shoulders slump slightly and his eyes meet hers, filled with uncertainty.

“Look Joey like I said, if you don’t want-,”

She shakes her head, forcing the thoughts of jealousy and heartbreak out of her mind.

“No. I meant what I said too. If you like Audrey, I’m not going to be the one to stop you. We need to move on at some point, right?”

Pacey keeps his eyes on here for a moment, before nodding.

“And if...if you want to move on with this Charlie guy, then I won’t be the one to stop you.”

She flushes, hoping he can’t see it in the dark night.

“Thanks, Pace.”

He leans forward to press a brief kiss to her forehead before standing up and walking back towards his room, offering Joey once last backward glance. She smiles.

Once her eyelids start to droop and she stands up and grabs the room key, moving towards where Charlie disappeared. She pushes the key into the door before stopping, leaning her head against the cool wood.

Instead she backs away and moves toward the adjacent door, knocking gently.

She’s relieved when Pacey opens the door, eyes puffy with sleep.

“Jo? You okay?”

“Yeah, I just-,”

“What did he do? I’ll kick his ass,” Pacey growls, rubbing his eyes and reaching for his pants. Joey shakes her head quickly.

“Nothing. I didn’t even go in there. I just...Pacey if I got a room, would you come sleep with me? I mean sleep, just sleep.”

She tugs at her wrap, pulling it more tightly against her and not meeting his eyes. He sighs.

“Yeah, Jo. Go get the room. Let me just...leave Audrey a note or something.”

“Thank you,” Joey whispers and hurries to the lobby, handing over the cash in exchange for a key. Pacey meets her outside and she leads him to the door.

“Just sleep, I swear,” she says again, pushing the door. He chuckles.

“I’m too tired for your wantonly ways anyhow, Potter.”

“That would be the day,” she mumbles, shutting the door behind them and moving over to the bed. She crawls into it, tugging her pants and bra off from under the covers.

“You know I have seen you naked, right Jo?” Pacey teases, dropping his pants and climbing into the bed next to her.

“That’s different,” she argues, crossing her arms over her chest.

“So, not that I’m upset, but may I ask why the impromptu slumber party?”

Joey sighs, listening to his breathing.

“I just...I’ve never shared a bed with a boy besides you or Dawson before. And I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal but then I freaked out, I guess. I mean I don’t even know him.”

“I fully agree.”

“Sorry I woke you up. I shouldn’t have. I should have gotten the room myself.”

“But you didn’t.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“It’s fine, Potter. You are quite the skittish kitten, as I always say.” 

She rolls her eyes but a grin slips onto her face in the dark.

“Thanks, Pace.”

“For you, Jo? Anything.”

Spring break finds them in Florida, followed by an unstoppably eager Charlie. She sticks up her nose at him and forces her eyes everywhere else, but she can’t seem to stop sneaking glances and blushing when he catches her.

Pacey and Audrey’s rapidly progressing relationship is thrown for a loop when Audrey’s ex-beau makes an unwelcome appearance and Audrey makes the grave mistake of referring to him as “her Dawson.”

“She called him her Dawson, Jo, and that’s pretty much my kryptonite.”

She rolls her eyes at the melodrama of it all, shaking her head at him.

“Pacey, you like Audrey. You’re just being silly.”

“Yes but I’ve learned from my past love triangles. Old Pacey would have jumped in, bloodied himself up, and walked away without the girl. I’m trying not to repeat past mistakes.”

Joey takes a seat on the deck, patting the seat next to her. Pacey takes it.

“A couple things Pace, I know you’re obsessed with the fact she has a Dawson. But did you ever consider the fact I also have a Pacey?”

Pacey raises his eyebrows at her, shaking his head.

“Exactly. And second of all, you did get the girl.”

He frowns at her, bringing a hand to chin in thought.

“I suppose I did.”

“So quit being so...pig-headed, Pace. You are too hard on yourself.”

“And what about you?”

“What about me?”

“You like this Charlie guy.”

There’s a moment of silence between. They’ve talked about Pacey’s love interests outside of Joey, but this is the first time they’ve discussed hers.

“No I don’t,” she lies.

“Oh, really? So the flirting and the blushing, that all stems from not liking him?”

She rolls her eyes and shoves at him, but without any real force.

“Exactly. And he called me, a fairly intimidating ex-boyfriend, to find out where you were. So I’m just saying Jo…,”

“Yeah, but he cheated on Jen. And I barely even know him. I don’t think-,”

“I’m not telling you to marry the guy. Just...see what’s there? It’s not all or nothing, Jo.”

With that he presses a kiss to her head before heading into the house, she assumes in search of Audrey. Joey frowns. He makes a good point. She does tend to look at boys as all or nothing. Choices of life-changing weight. One or the other, this or that. Yet here she is, single in Florida. She can like Charlie without altering the direction of her life.

She follows him down the beach.

Jen finds her later that night, offering a predictable speech about Charlie’s intentions, but eventually they lapse into a comfortable silence.

“So Audrey and Pacey, huh?”

Joey nods, biting her lip.

“Is that weird for you?”

Shrugging, Joey pushes her hair behind her ear.

“No, not really.” Jen raises an eyebrow. “Maybe a little. But Pacey and I broke up a long time ago. They get along really well. I’m choosing to be happy about it.”

“Well you are a good friend, Joey.”

“We’re a little incestous around here anyway, aren’t we? I mean you're my ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriend and I’m here flirting with your ex-boyfriend. Audrey and Pacey seem about right.”

Jen laughs, shaking her head.

“Well I’ll just say this. As roadkill on the side of the Joey and Dawson highway, I pity the roadkill on the side of the Pacey and Joey highway.”

Joey frowns as Jen leaves the room, wondering what exactly that means.

She makes it exactly to 20 years old having only slept with Pacey Witter.

But at 20 years old about five minutes, Dawson Leery joins the club.

She spends a lonely summer in Capeside, rereading the letter Dawson wrote her. She and Pacey had pulled off the most ridiculous stunt, running through the airport for Audrey and Dawson. Pacey wound up on a plane with Audrey, heading to LA. Dawson got on the plane too, but only after Joey kissed him and told him he had to. She couldn’t be the reason he didn’t go to LA for a second time.

But after a picture perfect night, the kind only Dawson could offer, the unknowing of what her Dawson might be finds an answer with both of their clothes on the floor.

It’s good sex, good enough. Neither of them are virgins, something she secretly thinks he holds against her, so mechanically they meet every benchmark. But when he tries to push her hair off her face, it gets knotted and tugs painfully against her scalp. When he tells her he loves her, the I love you back gets caught somewhere in her throat. When she comes, she still sees bright blue eyes.

But it’s also a little bit perfect. To finally be in the same place as Dawson. To finally want the same thing he wants. To finally not have a Pacey or a Jen in the corner of the room, forcing them apart.

Until that evening at least.

She figures there’s a surprise party of some sort. Pacey and Audrey aren’t ones to forget a birthday and it’s been deadly silent all day. What she didn’t expect was to see another girl’s name on Dawson’s phone. A girlfriend, apparently. A girlfriend who was somewhere in the universe while Joey gave Dawson something she’d only ever given one other person. 

She screams at him in the bathroom and hurries out of the room, warning him not to follow her. Not to talk to her ever again, while he’s at it.

She winds up at the docks, where else would a Capesider go to contemplate life, tears dripping down her face.

“You are so very predictable, Potter.”

She whips around and gives a teary laugh when she sees Pacey hovering behind her, looking up at the stars. He grew a horrible goatee while in LA, covering what she considers to be a perfect face, but his eyes still shine as bright as ever.

“You should know as well as anyone that water is the perfect place to reconsider your entire life.”

Pacey sighs and takes a seat next to her, dangling his legs off the edge.

“Dawson’s an idiot.”

Joey snorts but more tears obscure her vision, blurring the ocean in front of her.

“Yeah well, when has anything ever been easy for Dawson and I?”

Pacey shrugs but wraps an arm around her shoulder, giving her a squeeze.

“And I was really rooting for you crazy kids.”

Joey frowns at him.

“Really?”

He bites his lip, taking a deep breath.

“I mean, I want you to be happy. Both of you, but especially you. And I’ve always thought the answer to your happiness would be Dawson.”

“I thought so too. Which is why it’s so disappointing every time it’s not.”

She lays her head on his shoulder, kicking her leg so it bumps the back of his.

“Watch it, Potter. You throw me in this ocean, I’m taking you down with me.”

“I think this is the universe telling me it’s time to get over Dawson Leery. That we need to move on from the people we were when we were fifteen. And I’m okay with that I just...I had sex with him, Pacey.”

His name comes out in mostly a sob, the tears escaping down her cheeks. Pacey sighs and tugs her closer.

“Look, Jo, I’m not defending him. I will never defend him for hurting you. But...he does love you, Jo.”

“If he loved me, he wouldn’t have lied.”

“As someone who is, or has been, madly in love with a Miss Josephine Potter, I think I can say with pretty good authority that he loves you. He lied. And he screwed up. But you did not sleep with someone who didn’t love you, Jo.”

She cries harder, her body shaking in Pacey’s arms, he runs a hand through her hair, holding her tightly. 

“I’m okay, not being with Dawson. I’ve always been okay not being with Dawson. It’s just the not ever getting an answer to the Joey and Dawson question that’s the problem. It lingers on, forever and ever.”

Pacey sighs and presses a kiss to the crown of her, clearing his throat.

“One day, you’re going to love someone, or maybe something, so much that it won’t matter anymore.”

What Joey doesn’t say is that she did love someone that much, once before. And in moments like this, she wonders if she still might.

“So what about you and Audrey? We haven’t talked about your summer,” she sniffles, rubbing her nose on her sleeve. “How was your Hollywood summer?”

“Uh...exhausting, honestly,” Pacey admits, shaking his head. “If you thought Boston Audrey was wild, she can’t even hang with LA Audrey.”

Joey laughs, laying her head back down on Pacey’s shoulder.

“Oh no.”

“And, well, do you remember when we got back from our magical summer adventure. We were all lovey-dovey, couldn’t be apart from each other?”

“Sounds vaguely familiar. I didn’t miss sharing a tiny bathroom with you, though.”

“Says the girl who basically left an animal in the drain every time she took a shower. Anyway, the point is, I don’t feel that way with Audrey, this time.”

“Well maybe because you’re more grown up now.”

“Maybe.”

“Or?”

“Or maybe...I don’t know. She’s your friend, Jo.”

“Well, so are you.”

“I do like Audrey. And her dad was great, he got me a job interview actually. I just wonder if maybe…,”

“Well listen Pace. Life is too short and you need to do what makes you happy. But just remember, if you break her heart, I break your face.” She pushes her finger into his chest for emphasis. He clutches it, pretending to have been stabbed, but gives her a sad smile.

“On that note, do you want me to go break Dawson’s face?”

Joey sighs and shakes her head, bringing her legs up to her chest and curling around herself.

“No. I think this one needs to stay between me and Dawson.”

“Are you sure? Because I definitely know how to insert myself into that particular pairing.”

She laughs, resting her head on her knees.

“I know you do. But I’m kind of sick of the love triangles, you know?”

“Says the object of affection,” Pacey scoffs, tugging gently at her hair. 

“Thanks for finding me, Pace.”

“Nowhere else I’d rather be, Jo.”

She watches as Pacey grows up and away from Audrey. She watches as Audrey flails, lost as the people around her look ahead while she can barely see tomorrow. She watches as Dawson lets her go again, eyes full of regret and acceptance.

She’s so busy watching them, she isn’t watching her own feet when she stumbles into Eddie.

He reminds her of Pacey with his wit and Dawson with his smarts while being nothing like either of them. And against her will, she falls in love.

It’s a love that has nothing to do with Pacey or Dawson. It’s a love that doesn’t have any connection to her Capeside past or fills her mind with feelings of being seventeen.

It’s also her first love when she wonders if he doesn’t love her back quite as much. 

She falls deeply into his orbit, suddenly unaware of the ongoings of her friends or family. His touch electrifies her skin and his words make her think and consider. He’s brilliant and spontaneous and completely unpredictable. But he doesn’t bowl her over with romantic gestures or promise to love her forever and endlessly. He gives her today and now, but she isn’t sure about tomorrow.

So when she finds his empty apartment, a piece of her isn’t surprised. 

Eventually they find a better ending, one across the country with a mess of Audrey in the backseat, but as she watches him grow smaller in the rearview mirror, she can’t believe it’s happening again. A boy she loves bidding her goodbye as he chases his dreams, dreams that lead directly away from her. She thinks she must be an anchor, one that must be shed in order to achieve true happiness. Is she weighing herself down as well? 

These insecurities make her want to lift the weight off her shoulders, at least for a night. So she drinks too much and wakes up in Pacey’s bed, confused and hungover.

Pacey assures her everything is fine, minus his ridiculously huge television, but he blushes a little bit every time she looks at him and nervously asks her to accompany him to a networking event next week.

And for some reason, she can’t shake the feeling she kissed him. He says they didn’t, he says Emma’s gross ex-fiance licked her during spin the bottle, but there’s a feeling she gets in her chest everytime she kisses Pacey Witter and it’s with her the next day.

Joey had never been a big fan of K-Mart. She didn’t like the looming aisles or the aggressive sale signs. She preferred boutiques or mom and pop stores, she is a small town girl after all.

But maybe, K-Marts aren’t so bad. Sometimes you need to be locked inside a massive barn like structure with someone to remember how much you missed them.

Joey has never questioned how much she loved Pacey. Joey has never doubted that her relationship with Pacey was the best, most stable one she had.

But right now, something isn’t right.

She kisses him the way she always has and laughs at all the right jokes but when Eddie shows up at her bar, everything gets dropped on its head.

Pacey accompanies her to a high school dance, like the chivalrous, incredible man he is, but all Joey can see is an eighteen year old Pacey screaming at her in the middle of the room. It’s not fair to hold that against him now. Not when he’s done everything so perfectly. But the pain she felt two years ago has only just begun to fade and Pacey still has that look in his eye. The look of not being settled, of being ready to run. 

Everything he says is true. This could be it. She is scared. But she also knows it isn’t time. She isn’t ready for Pacey and everything he brings. Her story with Eddie doesn’t have an ending yet and Joey still hasn’t gone to Paris. 

So she sways in Pacey’s arms, the dance they didn’t get two years ago. The ending they deserved.

But somewhere deep down, Joey knows it isn’t their ending. Or at least hopes. Her silver bracelet glints in the fluorescent high school lights. 

While Pacey and Dawson re-embroil themselves in yet another chapter of their hundred year war, Joey fills out her application for a year in Paris. This isn’t her fight. This has never been her fight. She will no longer apologize for who she loves or who she doesn’t. 

She finds Pacey on the dock, licking his wounds from Dawson’s words.

“Hey Pace, I have a favor to ask,” she says, sitting down beside him. He frowns at her.

“If it’s apologize to Dawson, just drop it Jo.”

“It’s not. I’m not egotistical enough to think I can get you to do that.”

He raises an eyebrow at her.

“Then what is it?”

She hands him a piece of paper.

“I’m going to Paris, Pace. Or at least I’m trying to. There’s a program there, I could study for a year. But I have to apply. And as part of the application, I need a peer recommendation. From the person who knows me best.”

Pacey’s eyes grow wide and he looks down at the paper, eyes skimming over it.

“Are you sure, Jo?”

“I am.”

“I’m barely a high school graduate, you know.”

“Well you’re barely a high school graduate who knows me better than anyone else.”

He sighs, staring down at the paper.

“Of course I will, Jo.”

She smiles, resting her head on his shoulder.

“This time Jo, I get to be the one loving you while you go find your dreams.”

“And you won’t ask me to stay?”

He shakes his head.

“Not this time.”

She reaches for his hand, squeezing it tightly. He looks down at their intertwined hands and reaches for her wrist, laying a finger on the silver bracelet glinting in the sun.

“You still have this?”

She nods, toying with it.

“I still have the dream sometimes, Pace. Of us being castaways.”

He laughs, bringing her hand to his mouth and kissing her knuckles.

“Me too, Jo.”

This time, Joey achieves exactly what she intended to. She finds Joey Potter.

She spends two years in Paris, mastering the language and traipsing through museums on her days off, the colors of the paintings push her to buy an easel and some paints at a nearby art store. She reads more than she ever has and she writes more than she thought she could. She  
trades occasional emails with her stateside friends, grinning at Audrey’s goofy Christmas photos and whooping alone in her apartment when Dawson announces his television script got a Pilot.

She’s a week from moving her life back to the States, New York to be exact, when she gets an email from Pacey, with a photo of him in front of a newly reconstructed Ice House.

Couldn’t have done it without you, Jo. - PW 

She wipes away a tear.

New York is loud and scary but also wide open and magical. Her editing job keeps her in office until the late hours of the evening, pouring over horrible drafts while drinking too much coffee. She gets weekly dinners with Jen, occasionally accompanied by a weaker looking Grams.

“So I have to tell you something,” Jen says during one dinner, nervously playing with her napkin. Joey raises her eyebrows.

“Oh god, you’re not leaving me to chase your dreams too, are you?”

Jen laughs and shakes her head, taking a deep breath.

“I’m pregnant.”

Joey squeals and hugs her, gushing over the clothes they will buy and the babysitting that will occur. But as she watches Jen’s belly grow, she realizes it’s finally happening. They’re growing up. Capeside kids aren’t kids anymore. Her bed feels a little big that night.

She gets a promotion at work, which includes a small and windowless office, and for some reason she hears Pacey’s voice in her mind.

“Never bet against that Potter girl.”

She almost calls him that night, she gets nine digits into his number before putting her phone down. She’s not ready yet. She still has things to see and do. 

She meets Christopher at a writer's workshop. She goes for herself, she still fancies herself a mediocre author, but also likes the insight for editing. He’s handsome and smart and so easy to talk to, they slip into partnership before Joey takes the time to realize what’s happening. When her lease is up more of her things are at his place than her own, so when she calculates how much money she will save splitting his rent, it’s an easy decision.

It’s not until she finds herself feeling slightly trapped in his huge apartment that it occurs to her that saving rent money might not be the best reason to move in with someone.

The reason Joey knew she could never stay in Paris was because it wasn’t on the water. The Seine was beautiful and calming but once she can’t see the ocean every day, Joey realizes how much she misses it. The sparkling blue water and glittering stars are a source of comfort Joey doesn’t think she can ever give up.

The docks in New York smell like rotten fish and are filled with loud, crass fisherman but she still finds herself wandering past them, smiling at the ships bouncing on the water. It had been easy in some ways to live her life without Dawson. She knew when they saw each other again, not if, they'd fall right back into step. Her soulmate, her always. 

Pacey feels different. Pacey has always been an active, constant, structurally important piece of her life. As her enemy, her friend, her boyfriend, her estranged lover. She stumbles sometimes, without his shoulder to lean on. Her heart aches for him in a way she didn’t know it could. She has everything she could ever want and she found it on her own. So when she takes stock of her life and everything she has, she has no more excuses for why she can’t fill the Pacey shaped hole in it.

All it takes is seeing him again, looking into his eternally sparkling blue eyes and wide smile, to come to the conclusion she had been putting off for ten years. To accept that just because a person can move on from anything, it doesn’t mean they should.

The words are on the tip of her tongue, seconds away from becoming a reality, when she’s whisked back into the restaurant, leaving a hopeful, scared looking Pacey in the kitchen.

She slips out after that, finding Dawson down the water. She can sense a difference in him. A calm that she’s never seen before. 

They promise themselves to each other, forever and always, when she opens her mouth to tell him.

“Dawson, I need to tell you something.”

He sighs, looking down at her.

“You’re in love with Pacey. I know.”

Joey blinks up at him, the words sounding so simple on his tongue. The words that have floated around in her mind for five years, jumbled and confusing and haunting every part of her life.

“How do you know?”

He gives a dry laugh, squeezing her hand.

“I can see it. In your face, in your eyes. It’s always been there. It wasn’t until now I let myself accept it.”

“Dawson, I-,”

“It’s fine, Joey. It’s time.”

“I wasn’t going to apologize actually. I told myself years ago I wouldn’t apologize for falling in love anymore. I just want you to know that loving Pacey doesn’t take away from anything we had.”

“I know, Joey. I know.”

They sit in silence for a moment, watching the water.

“Aren’t you going to go to him?” Dawson asks, not taking his eyes off the horizon. Joey shakes her head.

“I’m not in a rush, anymore.”

Several hours later she heads back to the Ice House, pushing open the doors to an empty restaurant.

“We’re closed,” Pacey’s voice calls from somewhere in the back. “We’ll be open tomorrow at-,”

He freezes when he sees her, a nervous smile creeping onto his face.

“I can come back,” she says, half-joking. He frowns at her.

“Don’t you dare.”

He waves her in, pulling out a bar stool. She slides onto it.

“Hungry? We’ve got some leftovers from the funeral.”

She shakes her head, drumming her fingers against the bar.

“No, I’m alright, thanks. While eating away my grief sounds tempting, probably not the best move.”

“As the owner of a restaurant, I’d have to disagree Ms. Potter,” Pacey replies, leaning on the bar beside her. 

Joey chuckles, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Pacey bites his lips.

“So you uh...ran off earlier. Came out here to find you but they said you left.”

She sighs, giving him a small smile.

“I had to go see someone.”

“Dawson?” he asks, dejected in his voice.

“Yeah. Pacey, I-,”

“Look, Jo, it’s fine. It’s like I told you. I just want you to be happy. And if Dawson makes you happy, then I’m happy. No more games or fighting or grand declarations. It’s okay.”

Joey smiles. Finally. After all these years, after all the drama and running, it’s right. On the precipice of Joey finally admitting to what she’s been running from, Pacey is setting both of them free. Free from guilt and weight and jealousy. It makes her love him all the more.

“Actually, Dawson told me something.”

“And that would be?”

“He told me that I’m in love with you.”

Pacey blinks at her and lets out a surprised laugh, tugging nervously at his collar.

“Dawson said that, did he?”

“He did.”

“Well he’s a crazy guy, that Dawson.”

“Actually, he is completely right.”

Pacey’s breath hitches and she swears she sees a tear sparkle in his eye.

“He is?”

“Of course he is, Pacey. It took me running off to Paris and hiding out in New York to fully accept it, but it’s always been true.”

She holds up her wrist, silver bracelet glinting under the dim restaurant lights.

“True Love, Pace.”

Pacey grins, wide and open, letting out a surprised laugh.

“You know, Jo, I’ve waited for this moment for ten years. And when I finally gave up hope, here you are. 

“I think that’s what we needed, Pace. Me, you and Dawson, we were too intertwined, too buried in our pasts. But five years without you, five years of just being Joey Potter, and I’m still in love with you, Pace. I’m supposed to be with you, I can finally see that.”

She opens her mouth to continue but is cut off when he kisses her. He has more stubble and his hands are rougher but he tastes just like he did when they were 17 and her stomach flips just like it did when they were in college. Five years gone feels like seconds against his lips.

There are so many questions they will need to answer. Logistics to figure out. Memories to share. Emotions to face. But none of it matters right now. Right now all that matters is reuniting with her heart, the one she left on the True Love all those years ago. 

Even with the fights and the battles, the messes and the tears, not once does Joey question the decision she made by Jen’s bedside. They argue over where to live, which jobs to take, when to get married, where to get married, when to have kids. 

But everytime Pacey pulls her into his arms and tells her how much he loves her, how she is the best part of his life, she’s filled with the warmth of knowing her head and her heart are still completely aligned. This is where she belongs.

They have to work for it, but finally they get there. They buy a townhouse outside of Boston with three bedrooms and a screened in porch for Joey’s art studio. Pacey opens three restaurants in the city, eventually conceding to hire a manager for the founding Capeside Icehouse so he can stop making the painful two hour drive three times a week. Joey finds an editing job that lets her work from home and they add a computer to her art studio. 

This time when her period is late, the butterflies in her stomach are only filled with hope. 

And when she shows Pacey the two lines he spins her around in their kitchen, tears pouring down both of their cheeks. 

They name their baby boy Lindley, Jack cries in the hospital when they tell him, and Dawson grabs the first flight he can from LA, unable to wipe the smile off his face as he cradles his godson. 

She watches Pacey hold his son against his chest, blue eyes wider and brighter than she’s ever seen them. Her boys, her entire world.

They talk about buying a house in Capeside. It’s not entirely necessary, given the free room at the BnB, but it’s tight quarters with Lindley and an increasingly adolescent Alexander. There is enough in their savings for a down payment, even if a relatively small one. Until one day, the money is gone.

“Pacey,” she shrieks, startling the baby. “Pacey, come here!” she cries over the wails.

Pacey hurries in, stumbling over the baby gates they’ve started setting up.

“What? Is it Lindley?”

“Pacey, our money is gone!”

“What?”

“Our money, for the house! It’s all gone.”

He flushes a deep red and rubs his neck, looking everywhere but her eyes.

“Pacey,” she growls, setting the still fussy baby down in his jumper. “What did you do?”

“Okay so the money wasn’t supposed to be taken out for a few more days. I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“What did you do, Pacey Witter?”

“Uh...care for a drive, darling?”

“You are not sweet talking me, Pacey,” she snaps, picking the baby back up and grabbing his things for the car. “You are in so much trouble.”

“Did I mention you look ravishing today?” he asks hopefully. She looks down at her shirt, covered in baby food and paint. 

“Let’s go, Witter,” she snarls and heads out the door.

They hit traffic on the bridge so they don’t get to Capeside until the sun is already setting. She barely says a word in the car, shooting him a menacing glare when the baby starts to fuss. 

Finally, they pull up the Marina. Joey frowns, looking around.

“Why are we here? Aren’t you taking me to whatever shack you bought?”

“No, not a shack, exactly,” he replies, hurrying around the car to open her door before unlatching Lindley’s car seat, carrying it by his side. She follows him down past the Marina to the docks, the last remnants of the sun glowing red over the ocean. She peers around before looking back at Pacey, perplexed.

“Pacey, what is this?”

“Well, it is that, her, to be specific.”

He points to a boat. It’s about double the size of the True Love, bouncing lightly in the calm sea.

“The boat?” she asks, walking towards it. She reads the gold letters on the side. “The Castaway.”

Her stomach swoops and Pacey steps up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and settling his chin on her shoulder.

“So I know I should have told you first. I know it’s both of our money. But Dougie had a friend who was selling her and it was a great deal, Jo. And a house would be great, but I’ve always dreamed of taking the love of my life, loves of my life now,” he corrects, looking down at Lindley sleeping peacefully in his car seat, “back out to sea.”

She stays silent, eyes fixed on the boat.

“If you hate it, it won’t be hard to sell. I want to fix it up a bit anyway, so I can sell it for way more than I paid. I just thought-,”

“You are never pulling anything like this again, you hear me Pacey Witter?”

“I do.”

“Huge financial decisions need to involve both of us.”

“I know.”

And then she kisses him, open mouthed and wet, pulling her tightly against him.

“It’s also perfect.”

“It is?”

“Of course it is. The Castaway. My dream come true on so many levels.”

He grins, pressing another kiss to her mouth and squeezing her hips. Finally he pulls away and reaches for Lindley’s car seat, heading towards the boat. He gestures to Joey.

“Well, my love, care to join me?”

She grins at him.

“You don’t have to ask, Pace.”


End file.
